


Equilibrium

by septemberashes



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Bottom Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Canon Era, Freeform, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-24
Updated: 2013-12-24
Packaged: 2018-01-05 22:56:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1099561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/septemberashes/pseuds/septemberashes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes it was alright to be a monster.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Equilibrium

Eren Jaeger wasn’t someone many assumed he was, but what did _they_ actually know?

 

Many harboured a foolish belief that they had everything under their fingertips; that they could be certain about anything apart from death - some of us didn’t even have a chance to meet it until our tresses turned silvery grey.

 

They claimed that _knowledge_ was power, that with the ‘firm’ grasp of the _useful_ _knowledge_ we could finally defeat titans and be able to reclaim our rightful vast expansions, but-

 

How many of us had already perished in this seemingly endless battle against those filthy creatures? How many more of us were going to allow ourselves to become the next meal of those ghastly flesh eaters? The perils of titans were well-known even to the most ignorant one out here; those who were fortunate enough were aware of this in theory, the less fortunate ones – in practice. Yet no one knew the exact result. What if everything we had done by now was all in vain? What if every single soldier out here would never be able to leave these hellish grounds by the death of a hero? Humanity could be _possibly_ wiped out quicker than we had expected – then why continue to fight when our predicament seemed nothing but crystal clear?

 

Assumptions. Our assumptions, which we constantly made, could have killed us sooner than titans’ filthy teeth.

 

Humanity often assumed that it _knew_ something; it often thought that something should have been done while something should have been left aside, either to wait for it to be done or casted aside forever – not touched, not heard of, not seen, as if the idea had never existed at all.

 

 _Do not get off the horse in the open field - keep going forward because fighting titans on low grounds was extremely disadvantageous –_ they taught you this because according to someone else’s experience, some soldiers had met their deaths attempting the opposite, and of fucking course many novices would staunchly follow this rule and abide it like one of God’s commandments _,_ never daring to violate it even when the sands were running out of them.

 

 _Do not try to battle an Aberrant with orthodox tactics because they don’t function like ‘normal’ titans, so therefore conventional combat was useless against them –_ many were so certain about it, locking up their knowledge about normal titans in the back in their minds, treating the abnormal ones like a completely new species, and therefore might be committing a great logical fallacy that once a titan, it should share a common trait _somewhere_ or _somehow_ with other titans.

 

_Do not believe any single word this Titan Shifter is telling you because he is a titan, and therefore, our enemy-_

Due to rather dubious circumstances, Eren Jaeger had acquired a skill (or a curse?) to transform into a Titan, bringing our whole _knowledge_ about titans to an entirely new level. But once a titan, he should have been our adversary, someone who should be destroyed before he destroyed us; because to our prior _knowledge_ all titans had that craving to kill, and if he fell into that category, it meant that he also strived to eradicate us. This reasoning seemed like it had no logical loopholes in it, yet only a few could see how perfectly flawed it was.

 

Many had assumed that the Walls would never be breached, that humanity would continue to live a happy illusion behind those walls, and they had been wrong, _dead_ wrong. When they assumed that the shackled up mutt could harm them, no, was _intending_ to harm them, they could have been wrong-

 

_Or they could have been right._

 

A fifty-fifty chance.  An absolute balance of probabilities with nothing lingering in between.

 

I had been certain of nothing, and had kept myself alerted around him (or anyone else in that matter). Making exceptions when lowering your guard down? Unheard of. Though somehow it _felt_ more than lucid that Jaeger had more on his mind than simply deceiving humanity, as the fervent declaration of his personal war on titans _seemed_ nothing but earnest.

 

Again, I wasn’t certain of anything; I couldn’t foresee whether he would turn against humanity one day, but one thing I knew I had to do was to end him when this happened before it would be too late. Jaeger, supposedly, the Humanity’s Last Hope, might have indeed become the Humanity’s Greatest Threat if Hell broke loose, but right now, if anyone had seen it, he was just a mere adolescent soldier trying pathetically hard not to reach his climax out of the man pride he had; right now, Jaeger was a simply an inexperienced brat who could barely hold his release while his length had been deeply buried inside of me.

 

“It’s true that virgins don’t last long,” a tiny smirk tugged at the corners of my lips as I watched how his cheeks embraced a rosy tint when a wave of embarrassment washed through him.

 

“C-corporal!”  Usually, those who stuttered annoyed the hell out of me because once you stuttered, it displayed your hesitation and those who hesitated could almost never set their heart dead on the thing that needed to be done.

 

_But who was I to generalize fellow human beings?_

 

Yet despite this unattractive stutter, Jaeger wasn’t exactly close to being hesitant. “Corporal Levi, I swear I will gain more experience in a short time!” His determination and eagerness were unmatched, that sheer willpower not to lose in something he had potential in succeeding, be it mastering the 3D Maneuver Gear or pleasing a superior officer on the flat surface (as crude as it sounded) was astounding. “Just have enough patience with me.” He had been relentless in his pursuit, and even if the affection couldn’t have been reciprocated, his resolve to woo (although painfully ridiculous) his corporal was anything but unimpressive. “Though, sometimes I wonder what made you agree to,” that distasteful ambivalence again. “-to…” catching the gist of what he was trying to convey wasn’t particularly hard. One could definitely see the flow of his reasoning.

 

God forbid me, those, to whose ears this might reach, would accuse me of robbing the cradle. Yet how hypocritical humanity could get when they tried to defend the values that they supposedly held, and at the same time turning a blind eye to the apparent – hardly anyone had batted an eyelash at the idea of bringing the same fifteen-year-old to the gallows. From an outsider’s perspective, they breached that equilibrium of the human morality, that thin line that held the low-trodden society inside the Walls from falling apart. And that very same false sense of morality desired to steal the life of one stupid brat, who was eyeing me like a loyal puppy, waiting almost impatiently for my reply.

 

However, there was a limit for everything.

 

“Corporal…”

 

“Eren, do you feel uncomfortable around me?”

 

A painfully obvious answer was keen to slap my face. The fundamental answer indisputably would be ‘ _yes_ ’. I didn’t accustom my character to please anyone, nor did I expect an amiable treatment from the others. Yet Jaeger had been coerced to balance his answer, taking into account the fact that he actually wished to willingly spend his time in my bed versus the fact that I wasn’t the best company for someone like him. But Jaeger was certain. He wasn’t certain _objectively_ , but rather _subjectively_ – he might not _know_ what was the best for him, but he _believed_ that it was the best for him.

 

Belief was something that we _all_ had - openly or concealed - it didn’t matter. Some could use belief and faith interchangeably, since both of them channeled back to the idea that we hoped that something would or could happen under a certain circumstance. We didn’t _know_ , but we _believed_ , we _hoped_ that would it would happen. This what made the Survey Corps different from their military counterparts who carried out their duties safely behind the furthest walls. There was no certainty that Eren Jaeger would be useful to humanity yet those who had lost, those who had experienced the dread were willing to grasp on that last hope while the ignorant ones made a bold claim that it wouldn’t work out, their arguments solely based on their prior _knowledge_ , a simple theory, which in turn was nothing but a belief itself, interpreted from the data we had collected throughout the years.

 

And when something new – like the existence of Titan Shifters, who might have been _beneficial_ to humanity – made a strike in their deterring faces, all the previous knowledge shattered.

 

They would refused to believe and keep latching on what they had believed was true.

 

“No!” It had been a rather long pause. “I-I actually enjoy your company, Corporal.”

 

Eren Jaeger knew better than to lie. Although there were no consequences awaiting him since this act was nothing noble and purely encompassed two soldiers sharing warmth with each other (and comrades helped one another, didn’t they?), his nature wouldn’t allow him to lie to his Corporal, someone who nearly controlled his fate.

 

 _Controlled_. What a powerful word, precise yet inaccurate.

 

I could predict nothing, only hope that he wouldn’t turn against humanity since it would benefit neither him nor us, those he had no supernatural abilities unlike him and other Titan Shifters. And to think that his life was almost in the grip of a mere mortal could have been an amusing thought.

 

“C-Corporal, how about you?” That voice seethed with hesitance again. “Do you…?”

 

 _-enjoy my company?_ It was too obvious what he was trying to ask me, yet the question would seem unbecoming. To many _enjoyment_ and I seemed to be the worst partners for coexistence, but they didn’t _know_ anything. They knew absolutely _nothing_. Whatever they had perceived about my attitude or habits were simply their (sometimes) close interpretations of the information their eyes and ears had collected about me.

 

“Would I be here if I couldn’t tolerate you, Jaeger?”

 

_Did he just purse his lips into a pout?_

 

“I’m merely asking you the same question you’ve asked me-“

 

I knew I was being quite unfair to the new recruit but-

 

“Jaeger.”

 

Authoritative tone had always worked on brats like him. Sometimes I didn’t feel like delving into nonsensical matters like this, which were coercing me to explain myself.

 

“I’m sorry, Corporal, I just-“

 

Calm down, you little shit. At this point of time, I wish I could witness a confident, determined Eren Jaeger more often.

 

“-just wondering why someone like you would enj-,” he quickly corrected himself. “-tolerate a company of a…” furrowed eyebrows would surely indicate a-,“monster like me.” – self-deprecating reply.

 

I had anticipated that.

 

“Move.”

 

Consumed in this rather meaningless chatter, Jaeger seemed to forget his main priority – to please me. Or maybe otherwise? Perhaps, I was the one who had been pleasing him all along? Hormonal teenagers like him never knew when they could finally get a taste of the physical intimacy, due to the equal probability of getting devoured by a Titan. I was merely doing a favour for him, wasn’t I? Wouldn’t it be a little bit shameful if a boy like him were never be able to feel _normal_ before he dies? But who defined what was normal and what was not? To Survey Corps, normality meant venturing outside the Walls for the benefit of humanity while those who hid behind the Walls deemed us to be rabid dogs that were just wasting resources and own lives. To them, being confined within those walls (which now didn’t give any certainty of being absolutely stable anymore) was normal. To them, adopting the roles of livestock, living, no, surviving at the mercy of titans was normal.

 

_Were we ever going to be our own masters?_

 

“Human beings are scared of anything they aren’t certain of or cannot explain,” I finally answered him, letting out a quiet gasp when he quickened up the pace of his thrusts. They were no longer shallow; with each roll of his hips, I could feel an increasing pressure on my body. Although I was lying on my back with my legs over his broad shoulders, they still felt weak despite the support they were receiving. They trembled slightly as the pace intensified; I could now hear how my light pants mingled with his ragged breaths into an oddly pleasurable cacophony. Soon enough, the smacking sound of skin slapping against skin interspersed into this aural mayhem but it felt absolutely fitting despite being undeniably vulgar to our ears.

 

There was definitely a balance there: his raspy whispers sent hot currents against my eardrums, they weren’t outwardly dirty but the blissful way he pronounced my name like a mantra sent shivers down my spine; his movements were not frenzied, just right to feel sufficient pressure against that particular spot within me, enough to force my back to curve into an arch as I reached my peak of rapture. He soon followed suit, finally releasing inside of me despite my vocal, outraged protests.

 

“I couldn’t hold myself,” he apologized profusely afterwards, head down in shame; his hands nonetheless were nearly professionally tying my cravat. I chose not to show any sign of frustration and simply continued watching him work on my boots right now. Although I should have punished him for defying his superior’s orders, I knew it would be somewhat unnecessary. I wasn’t a man of exceptions but it _felt_ like a right decision to let this off today. I might have gone against my very own beliefs but punishment wasn’t always an answer to every offence. Sometimes, forgiveness had to come into play – not always, only _sometimes_ – one just needed to be able to feel it. Begrudgingly, I had to adopt that alternative method of Eren’s treatment though going easy on him was never my first choice. It was hard to accept.

 

Same for Jaeger. As insane as it sounded, Eren had to learn to cast away his potential resentment towards those who considered him to be a monster.

 

“Understand that they have a reason to be concerned. It is _not_ simply baseless suspicion.”

 

Surprisingly, I received a bitter smile in response instead of an anticipated glower.

 

“I know, Corporal,” his voice was soft, so out of character, yet there was something goddamned pleasant in this haphazard change, even if it was ephemeral. He was still that hotheaded brat, but maybe time spent in Survey Corps had made some modification to his character, shaping him into a more patient and wiser soldier, whose thinking was no longer bounded solely by emotions and instincts but had fortunately extended beyond that.

 

Eren then corrected my shirt, smoothing down all those jarring creases. “But I’m here to prove that I’ll always be fighting on humanity’s side,” his hands suddenly stopped dead at their tracks, causing my eyebrow to quirk up in mild confusion. “I m-mean, I’m not really sure of my capabilities or whether my Titan powers would not completely overtake me, but I-“

 

“Jaeger,” I quickly cut him off. He looked up, lips quivering. “It’s okay to be a monster-“

 

“But Corporal!” He cried out indignantly. Ironically, I hated being interrupted, especially by new, bratty recruits like him. “Where are your manners?” and again, received tonnes of apologies.

 

“Like I’ve said, it’s fine to be a monster.” His gaze was unrelenting, but I had no desire to start another argument with him, which might end up in me resorting to violence in order to shut his stubborn mouth up. Sadly, I wasn’t particularly fond of the pointless infliction of injuries on another human being. 

 

Gosh, why kids were so hardheaded?

 

“It is alright as long as you still preserve that human side within yourself.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for any glaring mistakes - constructive criticism is well-appreciated! I also hope it wasn't too clumsy or repetitive ~


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